BDSM sex – Beginners' Guide to Get into BDSM World
If you have ever seen or read about a dominatrix or bondage, you might be thinking that it's something you would like to explore with your partner. Not everyone has a room outfitted like the one in 50 Shades. Rather, it is more common to have a pair of toy handcuffs or scarves around for controlled play. If you want to know more and are thinking of taking the next step, then you are having a healthy conversation with your sexual side and should be happy that you are willing to be adventurous. But what is BDSM really, and how do you do it?
What is BDSM?
BDSM is an umbrella term for three general categories of bedroom activities that include Bondage & Discipline, Domination & Submission, and Sadism & Masochism, so really, BD-DS-SM. Don't be thrown off by the intense terms. BDSM reflects the desire of the couple to create binary personalities in the sexual experience. Binary means that there are two opposite types of players. The top or dominant gives the orders on what to do and how to do it. This could include verbal and physical restraints. The bottom or submissive receives the orders and directions and is usually absent control.
The pleasure in the binary role play is the disassociation with everyday issues. If you are the top you can hyper focus on the pleasure of your partner. In that moment nothing else matters besides them feeling pleasure. If you are the bottom you can forget all of your social and public worries. You don't need to worry about making decisions or choices. You can sit, relax, and enjoy getting off.
How Do I Talk to My Partner(s) About This?
There are steps to follow, that are described in the next section. However, before diving into how to proceed it is highly important that you focus on the step of communication. Over the course of human sexual exploration and the incorporation of control into the experience, BDSM has been viewed negatively. This makes it more likely to be viewed as shameful, hurtful, dark, undesired, or all around emotionally negative. This could be no further from the truth. BDSM is not an unhealthy sexual activity and is generally associated with positive associations with a participant's mental health and emotional status.
If you are interested in exploring the world of BDSM, you absolutely must be transparent, open, and nonjudgmental with your partner. If they can't understand your thoughts, needs, and wishes, they will most likely not understand what you need in the bedroom and how to provide you the pleasure that you are looking for. Talking everything through and having an action plan is the best way to start. Why?
You need to be able to fully trust your partner. If you are a top then you need to trust that your partner, the bottom, is ready to receive what you are going to do. If you are a bottom then you need to trust that your partner, the top, is aware of your boundaries and knows what to do to get you off. Trust allows each partner to fully benefit from the psychological effects of the binary roles. Communication, discussions, and planning help grow the trust and understanding needed to make a night of BDSM highly effective and pleasurable.
Important Steps to Getting into the BDSM World
It is hard to not want to just jump into a BDSM role play with sexy setups and kinky bondage. If you are going to make this a permanent or even temporary part of your sexual encounters, it is best to understand the totality of the situation. That way you can appreciate the experience more and know that you chose the right type of kink to insert in your … activities. Here are the 7 steps every beginner should understand before they gain or lose control.
1. Learn About the Different Types
BDSM isn't one thing. It isn't just bondage. It covers a slew of different activities, kinks, fetishes, and fun. From spanking to dirty talk, BDSM covers more territory than you think. Educating yourself about the different BDSM styles and the intensity of the styles allows you to make more informed decisions and empowers your sexuality and curiosity.
2. Discuss Your Thoughts Opening & Honestly
As discussed above, once you start understanding what you want and why you want it, you need to bring your partner(s) into the discussion. They need to be a part of the thought process and a part of the decision process. This is necessarily a two (at least) person job. The top needs to know the bounds, and the bottom needs to trust the top. Conversation is crucial for the growing of trust and the tightening of the empathic bounds between the players.
3. Make a Pact
It sounds odd, but they did it in 50 Shades. They wrote down the terms of the BDSM contract. It described who would do what, where, when, how, and why. The point isn't to have it in writing, but the act of writing makes the intent and purpose more tangible. This negotiated consent can always be edited mutually at a later time, but it sets up a solid trust upfront.
4. Choose a Location
Make it clear where you would like the BDSM activities to happen. Maybe at first you want it in a specific location so you can prepare yourself mentally when you are in that location and can trust that none of those activities will occur when you are somewhere else. You don't want to be surprised unnecessarily if your partner starts to play without your knowledge that it was that type of night.
5. Internalize a Safe Word
Internalizing is more than just choosing and memorizing. To internalize something is to understand it superficially and substantively. The purpose of a safe word is to keep your partner emotionally and physically healthy. Pushing limits can cause negative sexual experiences and distaste for any more fun from a significant drop in trust. However, note that using the safe word isn't a bad thing. If you hear it, don't be alarmed. Understand the importance, change your actions, and the moment will pass while your partners sexual pleasure will stay strong.
6. Shopping!
Everyone's favorite part of life is the sexual shopping. This could include buying toys and costumes. BDSM definitely includes role play and definitely includes toys, not tools, toys.
7. Slow Down & Enjoy the Pleasure
Speed is not your goal. There is no race to becoming the most experienced BDSM player. The faster you go the more pleasure you will miss and the more unpleasant boundaries you will cross. Instead, focus on the moment and why it is so pleasurable. You will learn exactly what you want and why you want it. You will learn how to give pleasure in new ways that you may have never thought possible. BDSM is a wonderful experience, as long as it is consensual and open with your partner and yourself.